I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
