saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
