Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
