My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize