I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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