Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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