I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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