i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
