I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
