My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
