Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
