I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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