I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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