I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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