nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
