I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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