Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
