I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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