just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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