He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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