Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
