Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
