marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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