We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
