put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
last night I used snow as a chaser
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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