if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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