I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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