i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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