Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
