sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
