Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
