She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
