woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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