Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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