I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
