i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
