Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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