He kissed a someone with a penis
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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