help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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