Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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