next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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