it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
