I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
