I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
