Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You are the jesus of drinking
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize