I feel great
I just peed on a car
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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