Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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