I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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