Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
