I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
