Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
