At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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