I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Holy sore nipples Batman
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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