Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize